This article created some feelings in me. I like this website, and usually love most of their articles, but lately it's gotten so shaming that I just gotta say some things.
What the hell is wrong with wanting to be comfortable? The world is an incredibly uncomfortable place. From slut shaming to religion shaming to gender-shaming to whatever else people decide to be mean about on a daily basis, of course, we want to hang on to that feeling of being in the only safe place in the world: our beds. So, if the world wants women to start wearing pants...or go even further back in time to wearing skirts...please make the world a safe enough place to wear them.
Also, the blog I got this picture from is a really great fashion blog for healthy bodies and minds :)
There are days/weeks/months when I have a hard time loving/accepting my body. I can love myself and accept who I am and think I'm great, but still have a hard time shirking the feeling that my body is supposed to be smaller than it is; that I can't be attractive unless my body is smaller. I do a lot of mental work to remind myself that my body is not everything and skinny is not necessarily healthy and all that, but one thing I've found that really helps me is looking at plus sized models. My favorite is the ASOS curve line of clothes. It probably seems like a comparison thing, but really, when I look at these women in the pictures I think they look so strong and confident and beautiful and their bodies are not smaller than mine has ever been like most models'. It makes me think that being attractive is not about being skinny, but rather about caring about how you look and it shows me how a body that is not 100 pounds can look in clothes. It reminds me that if I take a shower and put some mascara on and put on my favorite skirt/shirt/shoes, I can look and feel as cool as these women. I know that being attractive is not all about how you look, it's important to feed our spirits and nourish our non-superficial selves. I just need to believe sometimes that as a person who does not look like most models I can still look good in clothes just as these women look good in clothes. When I look online to buy new clothes, I see models who are skinny wearing the clothes and I have no idea how those clothes will look on my not as skinny body and I think that if I'm not skinny, I just have to wear sweatpants. Plus sized models and the like give me a better idea of what clothes might look like on me and help me to feel confident when I put my pants on in the morning.
I also read this article this week that reminded me that I'm not alone and that most women struggle with body image.
I also really appreciate the "body image heroes" at the bottom of the page. These women, like the plus sized models, make me feel good about my body.
I used to judgmentally say "I don't need a blog because I have a journal". I considered people who had blogs, or otherwise were open and honest about their feelings to be narcissistic, fake or just plain stupid to put themselves out there like they did. I was judging them so I didn't have to deal with my fear. Hiding my thoughts and feelings was a way for me to feel safe form ridicule and vulnerability. I would filter what information different people knew about me depending on what they liked or wanted so they would approve of me. However, I'm starting to realize that I've missed out on relationships, connection, growth and love by doing so.
I've toyed with the thought of starting a blog on many occasions, but this video that Levi showed me, made by a fellow student in his cohort was my breaking point. It made me cry it, it made me smile, it made my whole body melt. And so, I have to write about it. As well as the many things that make me feel so that I, and my family and friends, can better understand me. In the same way that Judith is willing to share her true thoughts, I am going to share mine. I've always felt I could express myself better in writing...aaaanndd I'm still pretty terrified of sharing all my thoughts and feelings with everyone I know, so I'm hoping this blog can serve as a middle ground toward my goal of being a more genuine, open, honest person.
I love this video because the more she sings, the more beautiful she becomes. Her vulnerability is so attractive that by the end of the video, I want to know her because I already feellike I know her because she relates to that part of me that is afraid that I am ugly, or not good enough, or in some way defective. She relates to my fear (and I'm sure the fear of many other women) that the way I look is everything. The fear that if I'm not skinny and pretty and conform to societies ideas of beauty, I am worthless.
Whilst bringing out my fears, Judith also seems to attack them for their silliness. As soon as I think them, I can easily counter them. Watching this video is a constant battle in my head of "You're pretty, you're not pretty, pretty doesn't matter, pretty doesn't exist, or does it?". The thoughts go around in circles and the battle is enlivening. It brings me to a place just uncomfortable enough to get a sense of who I am and what I care about. It makes me think and feel at the same time, which is something I struggle with as both endeavors seem to take over my whole body. The feeling for me is similar to sticking my head out of a car close to sunset on a road trip through the desert, or being alone in a large forest; it's a feeling of being truly alive and connected.
Thank you, Judith for bringing this all out of me, and for pushing me to do something scary (starting this blog).
