"I think I'm Ugly" by Judith Shimer and why I'm starting this blog

I used to judgmentally say "I don't need a blog because I have a journal".   I considered people who had blogs, or otherwise were open and honest about their feelings to be narcissistic, fake or just plain stupid to put themselves out there like they did.  I was judging them so I didn't have to deal with my fear.  Hiding my thoughts and feelings was a way for me to feel safe form ridicule and vulnerability.  I would filter what information different people knew about me depending on what they liked or wanted so they would approve of me. However, I'm starting to realize that I've missed out on relationships, connection, growth and love by doing so.

I've toyed with the thought of starting a blog on many occasions, but this video that Levi showed me, made by a fellow student in his cohort was my breaking point. It made me cry it, it made me smile, it made my whole body melt.  And so, I have to write about it. As well as the many things that make me feel so that I, and my family and friends, can better understand me.  In the same way that Judith is willing to share her true thoughts, I am going to share mine. I've always felt I could express myself better in writing...aaaanndd I'm still pretty terrified of sharing all my thoughts and feelings with everyone I know, so I'm hoping this blog can serve as a middle ground toward my goal of being a more genuine, open, honest person.


I love this video because the more she sings, the more beautiful she becomes. Her vulnerability is so attractive that by the end of the video, I want to know her because I already feel like I know her because she relates to that part of me that is afraid that I am ugly, or not good enough, or in some way defective.   She relates to my fear (and I'm sure the fear of many other women) that the way I look is everything. The fear that if I'm not skinny and pretty and conform to societies ideas of beauty, I am worthless.

Whilst bringing out my fears, Judith also seems to attack them for their silliness.  As soon as I think them, I can easily counter them.  Watching this video is a constant battle in my head of "You're pretty, you're not pretty, pretty doesn't matter, pretty doesn't exist, or does it?". The thoughts go around in circles and the battle is enlivening.  It brings me to a place just uncomfortable enough to get a sense of who I am and what I care about.  It makes me think and feel at the same time, which is something I struggle with as both endeavors seem to take over my whole body.  The feeling for me is similar to sticking my head out of a car close to sunset on a road trip through the desert, or being alone in a large forest; it's a feeling of being truly alive and connected.

Thank you, Judith for bringing this all out of me, and for pushing me to do something scary (starting this blog).