I need it to be okay

                             




I was introduced to Macklen Mayse's work when she lectured with my husband at Hunter college.  I remember seeing a video she made of trying to be literally in her work and I felt her longing, frustration and loneliness in a very palpable way.  I've since found her Youtube channel where I've found much more of her work. The video above hit me particularly hard, and even made me cry (duh. always) the first time I watched it. It speaks so well to my feelings of not being good enough, not being smart enough, not being fast enough.  Recently I have been finding myself feeling slow,  and because I have often felt very fast at some things, feeling slow is torture. I want to know things and understand things and accomplish things. ALL OF THE THINGS!! And RIGHT NOW would be nice as well.  This video is often a nice reminder to me that I have to go at my own pace; that slow can be worthwhile and meaningful.  As I watch Macklen's ventral move up and down and her voice influx and relax, I see her going through a process I notice myself going through on a regular basis: Awareness, frustration, sadness and fear, then finally acceptance. I often come back to this video when I am scared and frustrated and feel like I will never be enough.  It reminds me that life is a process, and right now is not forever.  I will be okay. It will all be okay. We will all be okay.

"perhaps living through these petty days will get us ready for the dangerous ones"

During my depression phase in New York I stocked up on some Charles Bukowski books. This is the last line from the poem "Zero" from his book The Last Night of The Earth Poems.  This line gave me hope.  For months I did almost nothing. I sat paralyzed in our apartment, terrified of the life I had just jumped into: no job, no car, no school, no friends, no family, no familiarity.  I was bored and scared and felt like things would never change.  This line gave me hope that there would be more than just sitting in a broken down apartment waiting for something to feel okay.  And there has been.  And I'm sure there will be more.  And I will be ready.

It's a Miranda July kind of day

I've been in love with Miranda July and her work since I first read her book "No one belongs here more than you".  Her words spoke to me and I have been an avid fan ever since.  However, it's been at least a year since I have seen, heard, or read anything of hers so I did some google searching and found some gems.

This quote by her is exactly how I feel when I am exposed to her work:

"I guess my favorite thing in the world is when I look at a piece of art, or read a story, or watch a movie where I walk away feeling like “Oh my god — I have to do something, I have to make something or talk to someone — things are not the same anymore” — and so I try to make work where you come away with that feeling. It’s like, yeah, you’re thinking about what you just saw, but even more than that — you feel able, you feel like, kind of propelled. "

It also reminded me of a movie I saw at BYU's international cinema called "Women Without Men" that I had such a strong emotional reaction to that I spent hours after crying and praying and yelling in my car in the BYU parking lot.  I'm still not entirely sure what about this film created such an emotional upheaval in me, but I greatly admire this film for being able to do so.

What books, films, art, etc have made you feel strongly? I'd love some new material to consider.

Inspriation

I just finished reading this interview of and by my two favorite artists:

http://www.interviewmagazine.com/film/lena-dunham-february-2013#page4



It brought back so many dreams from my youth, longing for paths not chosen because they were hard, and hope for a future in which I can revive my dreams and overcome my fears.  It was magical and intimate to read the words of two of my own personal heroines and imagine their conversation in my head.  It fueled my dreams of making art and creating.  It made me tremble with excitement and fear.  It pulled out some thoughts and feelings I've been playing around with in my head/body for some time:

Since I was very young, I felt I was destined for greatness; that I would create or contribute to something really great.  I had dreams of being a writer, an actress or a queen of some small country, but at some point my fears overtook my dreams.  My fears of failure, awkwardness and general hard things became so huge that I waved my dreams away as childish fantasies and chose what I thought to be an easier path. I tried to convince myself that the greatness I would accomplish would be raising a lovely family and being a great mom.  I tried to convince myself that this would fulfill me and that this was the path God intended for me.  I felt this was so much less terrifying than being/doing something great with my talents and abilities. There were less risks involved and I was pretty confident that I could easily do the mom thing (and by "easily" I mean the kind of easy that working a 80 hour a week job you love is).

I thought that getting married would help me feel resigned to the role of motherhood, but something unexpected happened: my husband saw potential and greatness in me that I couldn't/wouldn't see.  I tried to convince him that what I really wanted was to be a stay at home mom, but even as I was trying to convince him, I was trying to convince myself.  Only after a few months without a job, staying at home, attempting to assume housework as my role and responsibility did I start to understand what my husband already understood: there is much more to me than maternity.

I want to make it clear that I don't look down upon motherhood, and that I do look forward to  one day being a mother and cherishing that role.  What I mean, rather, is that there is more to me than that; that I have so much more to give and to share and to create and to be that resigning myself to the role of stay-at-home-mom, would stifle and depress me.  I have always admired stay-at-home mom's and in my psychology research, as well as my LDS upbringing, I garnered an understanding for the importance of mothers staying in the home.  However, I am finding myself in the incredibly lucky/blessed/fateful postion in which both my husband and I have chosen incredibly flexible career paths. We have abilities, experiences and interests that are broad and allow us ridiculous amounts of freedoms in terms of schedules and potential family care and nurturing.  It is a life and love and freedom that feels very much to me like this opening scene of one of my favorite Miranda July films.  I used to have Miranda's opening monologue written on a paper that I placed on my mirror to remind myself every day how I wanted to live my life and how I want to feel about life.  Watching this scene now, I feel only more excited (and of course terribly anxious) to see what will unfold in our future.

In defense of leggings

This article created some feelings in me. I like this website, and usually love most of their articles, but lately it's gotten so shaming that I just gotta say some things.

What the hell is wrong with wanting to be comfortable? The world is an incredibly uncomfortable place. From slut shaming to religion shaming to gender-shaming to whatever else people decide to be mean about on a daily basis, of course, we want to hang on to that feeling of being in the only safe place in the world: our beds.  So, if the world wants women to start wearing pants...or go even further back in time to wearing skirts...please make the world a safe enough place to wear them.

Also, the blog I got this picture from is a really great fashion blog for healthy bodies and minds :)






leggings article grrr: http://jezebel.com/5980314/leggings-leggings-everywhere--and-its-just-going-to-get-worse?utm_campaign=socialflow_jezebel_facebook&utm_source=jezebel_facebook&utm_medium=socialflow

cool blog:   http://www.ajwearsclothes.com/search/label/ootd

It's not about size

There are days/weeks/months when I have a hard time loving/accepting my body. I can love myself and accept who I am and think I'm great, but still have a hard time shirking the feeling that my body is supposed to be smaller than it is; that I can't be attractive unless my body is smaller.  I do a lot of mental work to remind myself that my body is not everything and skinny is not necessarily healthy and all that, but one thing I've found that really helps me is looking at plus sized models.  My favorite is the ASOS curve line of clothes.  It probably seems like a comparison thing, but really, when I look at these women in the pictures I think they look so strong and confident and beautiful and their bodies are not smaller than mine has ever been like most models'.  It makes me think that being attractive is not about being skinny, but rather about caring about how you look and it shows me how a body that is not 100 pounds can look in clothes. It reminds me that if I take a shower and put some mascara on and put on my favorite skirt/shirt/shoes, I can look and feel as cool as these women.  I know that being attractive is not all about how you look, it's important to feed our spirits and nourish our non-superficial selves.  I just need to believe sometimes that as a person who does not look like most models I can still look good in clothes just as these women look good in clothes.  When I look online to buy new clothes, I see models who are skinny wearing the clothes and I have no idea how those clothes will look on my not as skinny body and I think that if I'm not skinny, I just have to wear sweatpants.  Plus sized models and the like give me a better idea of what clothes might look like on me and help me to feel confident when I put my pants on in the morning.

Here are some more websites that show different body types in clothes:
http://www.ajwearsclothes.com/
http://www.refinery29.com/plus-size-bloggers
http://advancedstyle.blogspot.co.uk/

I also read this article this week that reminded me that I'm not alone and that most women struggle with body image.
I also really appreciate the "body image heroes" at the bottom of the page. These women, like the plus sized models, make me feel good about my body.

"I think I'm Ugly" by Judith Shimer and why I'm starting this blog

I used to judgmentally say "I don't need a blog because I have a journal".   I considered people who had blogs, or otherwise were open and honest about their feelings to be narcissistic, fake or just plain stupid to put themselves out there like they did.  I was judging them so I didn't have to deal with my fear.  Hiding my thoughts and feelings was a way for me to feel safe form ridicule and vulnerability.  I would filter what information different people knew about me depending on what they liked or wanted so they would approve of me. However, I'm starting to realize that I've missed out on relationships, connection, growth and love by doing so.

I've toyed with the thought of starting a blog on many occasions, but this video that Levi showed me, made by a fellow student in his cohort was my breaking point. It made me cry it, it made me smile, it made my whole body melt.  And so, I have to write about it. As well as the many things that make me feel so that I, and my family and friends, can better understand me.  In the same way that Judith is willing to share her true thoughts, I am going to share mine. I've always felt I could express myself better in writing...aaaanndd I'm still pretty terrified of sharing all my thoughts and feelings with everyone I know, so I'm hoping this blog can serve as a middle ground toward my goal of being a more genuine, open, honest person.


I love this video because the more she sings, the more beautiful she becomes. Her vulnerability is so attractive that by the end of the video, I want to know her because I already feel like I know her because she relates to that part of me that is afraid that I am ugly, or not good enough, or in some way defective.   She relates to my fear (and I'm sure the fear of many other women) that the way I look is everything. The fear that if I'm not skinny and pretty and conform to societies ideas of beauty, I am worthless.

Whilst bringing out my fears, Judith also seems to attack them for their silliness.  As soon as I think them, I can easily counter them.  Watching this video is a constant battle in my head of "You're pretty, you're not pretty, pretty doesn't matter, pretty doesn't exist, or does it?". The thoughts go around in circles and the battle is enlivening.  It brings me to a place just uncomfortable enough to get a sense of who I am and what I care about.  It makes me think and feel at the same time, which is something I struggle with as both endeavors seem to take over my whole body.  The feeling for me is similar to sticking my head out of a car close to sunset on a road trip through the desert, or being alone in a large forest; it's a feeling of being truly alive and connected.

Thank you, Judith for bringing this all out of me, and for pushing me to do something scary (starting this blog).